On living loudly


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by artsyndrome on Etsy

For those that know me, y’all know I can get pretty loud sometimes. I like to talk when you get the chance to know me, and I obviously like to write and communicate. That being said, I’m actually pretty quiet in how I exist.

I dislike loud noises like door slamming and people yelling.

I dislike confrontation and arguments although I’ll do it if I have to. I often give parts of myself away to other people, especially when I’m in a relationship (this is something I’m working on). I go to protests sometimes, but I often prefer to do education on social justice one-on-one, or behind the scenes through writing or social media.

I dislike drawing attention to myself and my body, or at least I did.

This year, I’m learning how to be loud in both body and spirit. I go swing dancing and often, if not every time, I’m the most plus-sized person there. I’m slowly getting over my fear of rejection when asking people to dance (it’s still terrifying but I’m doing it!). I’m learning that dancing brings me so much joy and that I need to do it every so often to recenter myself.

I continued taking sign language (although I’m currently on a break because of a busy schedule), which is a very physical language. This has forced me to get over some self-consciousness to simply learn how to speak the language.

I wear brightly colored lipstick – today, it’s orange.

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actual picture of my face today

I’ve started thinking ‘what if I didn’t criticize myself 24/7?’ I’ve started taking note of how often I speak badly about myself to myself and what I can do to stop being so self-critical.

And most recently, I decided to move to Seattle from Boston to do a year of service this coming fall before grad school.

Am I scared? Yes, but I don’t feel it yet. Mostly, I feel so excited that I decided to this big scary thing by myself and live in a place that I’m unfamiliar with and immerse myself in what is sure to be a emotionally and spiritually fulfilling year. I wondered what my three years of work experience after college gave me, and my answer is that it gave me all of this. It gave me the adult skills to figure out what I want to do and how to do it, and that I have the independence to make my life my own.

I’m finally ready to stop being scared, I think. I’m ready to be loud in my own quiet, persistent, and stubborn way.

3 thoughts on “On living loudly

  1. I am so proud of you!! Look at you go. I think it takes a lot of self-awareness to realise that you are putting a negative spin on yourself and assuming that everyone else is doing the same.

    Moving to somewhere new is going to do a world of good for your confidence, I’m sure! When I moved to another State I was terrified and it was awful in the beginning. But as I settled in and realised I was actually doing okay, my confidence improved and I realised I can totally do whatever I want to. It’s such an empowering feeling and I think all women should try living on their own for a while.

    Can’t wait to read all about your adventures!

  2. Pingback: Things I’ve learned from swing dancing | Anxiously Contemplative

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