I wonder why nobody talks about the in-betweens: when you feel like you’re not where you were, but you’re not where you’re going yet, and there’s all of that stuff in the middle that’s full of fear and doubt and anxiety.
Moreover, how do people get where they want to be? Along with not talking about doubts and imposter syndrome and fears of not fitting in, developing a goal is hard enough but then working out all the tiny details – inner and outer – to get there is even more complicated.
And then, how do you know what we’re called to be doing? Nothing feels quite right to me when I imagine it, but maybe that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be doing it – maybe it means that I myself am a little more off-kilter and out of touch with myself lately than I have been in the past. It’s scary, because when I feel out of touch with myself, I feel out of touch with God (and vice versa). No wonder I’ve been feeling lost lately – it’s this spiral of self-doubt, which leads me to doubt God, which leads me to doubt my path in life.
This fall, I’m moving to Seattle, and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that this will be a wonderful experience for me. It’s what comes after that is freaking me out!
I’ve been thinking a lot about ordination lately, and this if course has been a scary thought process. Mostly, I’ve been caught up in feeling like I wouldn’t fit in in seminary because my views are too out of the box (i.e., hippie liberal semi-pagan) for me to be an Episcopal priest. I’ve been caught up in the “shoulds”, but I remember one of my first meetings with my former rector where I brought to him my feelings of what a Christian “should” be like and things that I felt like I “have” to believe in order to be Christian and to feel like I belong, and basically said…nah. You don’t need to believe these things. And I felt the pressure lift on who I felt like I “had” to be and I was able to grow and fit in and not have to compromise myself.
Is seminary like that? It’s easy to think that all priests do the same thing (work in a church) and think the same way – or that there’s like…a standard way of thinking for clergy. I know, logically, there isn’t, but it still feels like that, you know?
So yeah. I have some questions. Maybe there are some literal answers that people are willing to comment down below (esp. about seminary…I’m curious!), but I think a lot of this stuff I’m going to need to discover for myself. To be honest, I don’t feel ready, but I’m not sure ready has anything to do with it.