I recently got some bad news that I can’t go into details about yet, until I have some more information, but it made me start to think about what I can and can’t control.
Control has always been a big aspect of my life. Growing up with an alcoholic parent, I often felt like my world was out of control and I know that some of my anxiety disorder is due at least in part to my uncontrolled environment. I like control. I like controlling myself, my emotions, my body, my surroundings, and often other people. I’m working on all of these things, especially my relationship with my body in recent weeks (maybe more on that in another post). I’ve realized more and more that I can’t control the situations around me but I can control how I react to them and that I can give myself time and space and resources to feel what I need to feel, process, and work on how I will get through a tough scenario.
Here’s what I can control:
-My compassion towards myself
-My healthy habits – eating in a compassionate and healthful and balanced way
-Reaching out for resources when I need them; through my therapist, online communities, and my church.
-The words that I say to myself and others
-How I let a situation define me
What I can’t control:
-How other people react
-What other people in a situation will do to deal with it
-Difficulties or issues along the way
I have realized that my first reaction to many different scenarios is often fear. I definitely think my control issues stem out of fear and an uncertainty about how a situation is going to unfold. I expect the worst and sometimes don’t take chances because I’m worried about something that hasn’t happened yet.
I want to be done with that. I’m done with thinking I don’t deserve good things and that the worst is going to happen. I want to live my life to the fullest and not use fear as an excuse not to do things or not to be open with people and relationships.
We don’t have to lead with fear or expect the worst. It is important to be cautious, of course, because not everybody has good intentions, but what I mean is that I don’t want to disregard someone or a situation before it even comes to be. I want to take chances and be open and love myself and the world.