Sometimes I wonder how people hear God. I wonder what it must be like for the people that say they hear God so clearly and have no doubt in their mind about what they’re supposed to do.
I’m not one of those people. To me, God is often muddled and seems far away and I’m still learning how I want to pray and how God speaks to me. Mostly, it’s meant restructuring everything I thought I knew about how exactly to listen to God.
I’ve recently been contemplating the question “what would it be like to live life not being scared?” This is something that’s been gnawing at me for months and months and I wasn’t sure how to respond at first. What does that mean, not being scared? And then I realized that it meant letting my fears of the future get the best of me – what if this happens? What if this doesn’t happen? What if I ultimately fail? And so on. These are fears that have stuck with me for a long time, and they’re not gone, not at all.
Instead, I’m learning to say “screw it” and come back to myself and do things that I consider scary:
I recently applied to the Episcopal Service Corps’ Service year program for the fall. I chose programs in NYC, Seattle, and Boston and as I’m going through the interview process, I’m realizing that my prayer for discernment and for the future was “if I have to do another admin job I’m going to scream”. I’m learning that God has been there all along, within me and without and that when I respond to the feelings I have, the impulses to “just do it”, that’s God working through me.
I re-pierced my nose, and I’m planning on getting a tattoo once I can get a consultation set up.
After writing about how angry I was at realizing that some interactions I had had in the past were assault, the person who assaulted me texted me asking if I was mad at them. After at least a month of ignoring his snapchats and other forms of communication, I was torn because I didn’t know what to do.
I decided to do the scary thing and confront him about what he did – not expecting him to change, but giving younger me the opportunity to express the words she wishes she had when she was 12, and was assaulted then by someone four years older than her. I then blocked him, and I haven’t felt so good in ages.
It pays off to do the scary things, the constructive things, the empowering things. I believe God wants us to challenge ourselves and to take risks that we didn’t think were possible. I now know I’m capable of so much, and I can’t wait to keep finding myself.